I am...

I am the queen of overreacting.

Please give me a crown. Thank you. But I guess in a good way, as fast as I overreact, I get over it pretty fast too. And it seems I always act on impulse. Also I have physics exams soon, which is worse that maths. I can't believe I am saying a subject is worse that maths. The world is mad. I need to study now and please pray for me. I need them!!!!


NOTE TO SELF


DO NOT OVERREACT BECAUSE IT IS A TURN OFF

Guys don't like over dramatic girls. They get enough of it from reality shows.

A certain kind of affection

To be brutally honest, the honesty I am going to pour out is, in fact, not brutal. Raw, perhaps, but not brutal. I just wanted to use that word. Brutally honest. It sounds nice.

I remember when I used to sing of giddy romance, the kind that made your heart flutter and forces your body into an unnatural lady-like posture, where you push your glasses up every 3 seconds (hitting myself so hard on the head for doing that ugh ugh ugh ugh shiqi you idiot), when you refuse to look into the person's eyes because, I don't know, haha, you're just too shy to do so!

And I thought it didn't exist for a while. I didn't believe in the magic of falling for a bit, but who could possibly stray from the beautiful fairy tale for long? Not me.

How I act when I like someone:

1. I am nice

2. I cross my legs very tightly for some reason

3. I smile at everything the person says.
eg.
him: this is good food
me: smiles
him: my arm hurts
me: smiles
him: i'm going home now
me: smiles
him: i hate you you are so weird
me: smiles

4. I PUSH MY GLASSES UP EVERY THREE SECONDS CAUSE I THINK I LOOK HORRIBLE WHEN IT'S NOT STUCK TO MY FACE (worst worst worst worst reflex ever, do you feel me, fellow glasses wearing people)

5. I act all smart and serious and intelligent and of depth

6. I am just not my usual funny (at least I think I am usually funny), bubbly, outgoing self. I am abnormally quiet for the subconscious fear I say something that turns him off



O M G, I am such a girl.HOW DO I STOP ACTING LIKE THIS TELL ME AHFNIUDJLFKSFN

But I guess I act this way not only to the guy that I like, I don't act normally generally to people who intimidate me or if I'm around people I am not comfortable with. I find I don't get comfortable with people very easily. I'm friendly when I feel like it or when I force myself to, but honestly I'm not the kind of person who can be myself wherever I go. I don't know! It's just awkward. Like what if they don't like me?!?!!!????


Okay my language skills seem to have deteriorated as I wrote more. K bye.

JESUS!

Oh Jesus!!!!!!!!!


I love you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how to describe it but I just feel like crying over how much you love me. Thank you so so much for saving me from my sins and from my life of bondages. It's so good to be free in your presence and your love AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE YOU!!!!!


I feel so so loved! Why do you love me so much hahahahah! I love you Jesus & I wanna be a good disciple and exmaple for the people around me to show them that you ARE real and that you LOVE them and that you WANT them to come home with you, a place where no fear, sadness and anger is.
SO PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you God forever and ever amen. Not as much as You love me, but as much as I do right now!!!!!!!!!


Amen amen I love You!!!!!!

-

Dear Jesus

I am so angry. I am so sad. I don't know why I cry all the time when I talk to my parents. It is such a hard thing to do? To talk to my OWN parents? Why do we have all these problems in our family? We're suppose to be a Christian family.

The reason I wanna go Jesus, is so I can get to know you better. Why can't they understand that core simply reason? Why won't they allow me to seek You? Why do they put my studies above You? Why do the embitter me? Why do they make it seem like it's something so hard???? Jesus why am I not given the free will to seek You???

It makes me so so sad. It really does. I don't know why my parents refuse to listen to what I say. The listen but they already have a preset mind that whatever I say holds no weight because I am young. Because I am still a child, because I don't know enough. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I don't know why this is so hard. This is suppose to be a period of change for me Jesus, just as You told me. And Father, You understand a father's heart. Please tell me why. Its freaking sucks.

All I wanted to do is seek You. Why do they stop me O God.

?

What I do not understand is that I have told my parents that I wanted to go into full time ministry. What I do not understand is why they would not let me go to CHURCH till 10:30pm. What I do not understand is that how can they not see that my hunger and desire for God is something they should support???

What I do not understand is why I cannot talk to my own parents. What I do not understand is why they ask me questions they already have the preset answers to. I don't even know if I wanna take a gap year like this anymore. How am I suppose to go help out in different ISCFs, in my youth, in where ever God wants me to be, if my own parents, does not even support how active I am in church?

My dad is a freaking church leader.

I want to cry.

They ask for my opinion but they don't even listen! I don't even know why the heck they even ask then. I am their possession. They are to enforce rules on me, according to what they think is best. Not always best for me, mind you, but best for them.

And so because of my parents lack of understanding and willingness to let me speak or to hear me out, I cannot go to the Spirit Awaken talk. And I don't even wanna fight back anymore. If they wanna win, then let them win. I don't even know what to do, what to say. I don't know why my parents won't listen to me. My words are empty in their eyes. I am a child. They know EVERYTHING better than me. I am never right! I understand that they are older, and they have seen more and experienced more. I know I am wrong sometimes too. But am I ALWAYS wrong??????

BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE TIME I HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION I AM WRONG

I want to cry

God can you please tell me why? Oh it's so hard because my family, my own family is my first obstacle. And because I have to honour, because I am called to respect and to obey my parents I must do so. Oh if it wasn't for God I would have gotten into such a big fight.

Ugh God. Please please help me.

I don't understand why my parents won't let me go to church when my friends go to clubs and get drunk and all that. I WANNA GO TO CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't they see that because I wanna go into full time ministry that I must equip myself spiritually WAY MORE than I should learn chemistry?!?!?!??!?!!?!? I do not understand them one bit. Note to self: do not ever prevent your child from seeking God.

Never ever do that.

Unreasonable.

Back

Haven't blogged in a pretty long time because I didn't want people to see or read my deeper most inner thoughts. But now I've changed my URL so woo the taste of freedom is liberating.


I am bored and down with a dreadful sore throat and fever as I try my best to do my ICT practical paper. So no juicy secrets or deep insights this time. *awwww*

So above are a few photos from my recent trip to Siniawan. Trying to pick up photography again. Not that I've ever mastered it but okay.

Experience

It's a lazy Tuesday morning and I've just finished reading one of Cecelia Aherns best pieces in my bed. Oh how I love reading in bed. I was incredibly intriguing by her tale but no, this is not I wanted to jot down today.

I realize my parents have kept me in this little safe bubble for the fear that I would fall desperately in love with something outside of their comfort zone, something they would not approve of. This prevented me from having a whole lot of experiences and therefore here I am having a heated debated with myself, is it better to not experience something at all or to have experience it and decide for yourself?

My only 'experiences' were the ones done in secret, for if my parents found out they eould slaughter me and send me to the butcher. Ha ha. But really all this experiences helped me grow and made me realize how I didn't want to lead a life like this. Some people tend to learn the hard way they say, I figure or I am definitely certain that I am one of them.

It's not that I detested the easy way of learning- mind you I love it if there was some sort of 'easy way' of learning in school- but it's just for life encounters learning the easy way sometimes just seem so boring. No I am not going to try drugs or whatnot to decide for myself that drugs are bad but some life experiences HAVE TO BE EXPERIENCED! Like how can you expect someone to know good from bad, to have discernment when all they've ever known was the good? Little knowledge of the other side is in fact a losing point to you. Sometimes I don't even know what I am write about. I hope this make sense to you, whoever you are, and my messy thoughts entangled in my brain, well won't seem so messy after I've written it all down.

Tired

I am so tired. I want to lay in bed, I want to run away for a while, to be away from all the responsibilities as a student, as a child. To rid myself of the numerous posts I have in numerous boards, just for a while. Just a while would be enough.


I would cry but tears won't flow. I would run but where would I run to? I'm to tired for usual long heartfelt posts that I take ages to write. I just can't. I'm just so so tired. Everything is piling up and I don't want to take it anymore. Jesus please. Please please please. I am burdened. I am tired. I am afraid and I am lost.

The only thing that's keeping me going on is You. Thank you for not abandoning me when I can no longer function on my own.

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

If this is Your will. Let it be done.

Dear Mother

I am not your punching bag/dog/servant/maid. You don't even speak to our maid the way you speak to me. I am sorry to even dream of wanting an once of respect from you and I am sick of the way you treat me. Not a day goes by when you do not speak to me like I am absolutely worthless.

I am freaking sick of your favoritism towards my brother. Maybe you should go find another daughter because I am done being scolding by you 24/7. It's devastating how you say mean things to me more than actual kind words. You are my freaking mother for crying out loud. Why are strangers nicer to me than you are fhoasijdasodijsdnidskjfhsndldasidkhdnsfisldklhanslfiskjdfbs foiasihdndfsoiskj vlakejdf xcvoihkln aidskjfhnwsiu;fkhsdnfsuhfsdnpofdsh


I cannot take this anymore. One day I am going to burst.

The chase

The chase. Either the best, or severely tragic. And in cases as such, perhaps some in between. I find it amusing (when I look on it from the outside) how dumb and indecisive young love is. When you're on the inside however, the emotion whirlwind we are in causes us to have a immensely conflicting view from how we would have if we were not so personally attached. 

The uncertainty of the outcome is probably the thing that keeps us hanging on. Would we work out? Or would I fall into the list of people who once were? Would love be on our side this time? It's only conventional to aspire for the best, for the outcome we paint so beautifully in our minds, for one that fits perfectly into our fantasy of a quintessential relationship and we only end up feeling disillusioned because such love lucidly does not exist! 

And the cycle, for me, is perpetual. For the simple reason that the thrill of being infatuated with someone is translucently an amazing feeling. Especially when such feelings are returned. But after we are left disappointed when the ideal does not come to pass, we go back for more, to fill in the gap in our dejected little hearts. Only to be left despondent yet again. If things do not work out, that is. Which in my case, betides invariably. The facetious part about all this is that I have never actually made it pass this stage. 

I'd like to not remain on this side of the fence and actually climb past it for once. 

day 6//day 365

When asked to blog upon request, I usually blank out and well, don't know what to even jot down. It's as if one minute ago my mind was overflowing, ideas spilling from the brim, thoughts buzzing like the bee, running into each other oh so clumsily until I've exhausted my resources and all that's left is a dessert terrain.

No wind to carry a detailed idea, just transparent thoughts of the night before, floating nonchalantly in the air above me, unwilling to land. I spent the night, and morning, try assiduously to keep my tired eyes open and I listen to sweet nothings over the phone.

The oddest thing about staying awake way past your given bedtime, in the caliginous of the night, is that some people do so unwillingly; but the latter disposed. I was the latter this time round, and I'd say awkward conversations at the break of dawn are rather amusing. Shy confessions and uneasy laughter may not have been the ideal, but I liked it that way. I like the way you're willing to take baby steps, to test the waters with me.

 I find it rather impossible to digest flattering remarks, find it tough to identify if they are genuine or not. I don't know, I sometimes feel that although we strive to speak with the utmost sincerity and are overflowing with good intentions, the lack of understanding of a subject or event, the plain fact that we only see the surface or things, not by choice but by the inevitable circumstances that we are in, cannot possibly allow us to be earnest with out speech. Simply put, it's not because I don't trust the words, but because I don't trust the words you say blindly. For the unadorned reason that, you do not understand.

So to tonight then; to the fireworks we'll stay up watching from our separate bedroom windows, and the words exchanged through the telephone line. 

Void

Call me selfish, call me pathetic. I am just feeling incredibly bitter. I try not to be? I try to be all smiles and sunshine but the thing is you filled a void in me that I wasn't aware of & when you left, well, the void was there. You opened a wound that I took months to heal. I am just djasodjasiodljasd not happy.


I don't even know what to say. Ugh you have no idea how much I dread seeing you.